WHAT HAPPENED TO KIDS, PUPPIES?

By Columnist Bob Bridge

Am I woke?

The unvarnished truth?

I misplaced my alarm clock long ago.

No, I am neither in harmony nor attuned to much that is trending today. For example, I was taught the best way to sell something was to utilize children or puppies in the mass marketing of the product.

Apparently, that is no longer a successful strategy. Just recently I viewed a J.G. Wentworth spiel focused on helping consumers who are experiencing financial hardship or requiring immediate access to cash.

Serious subject, huh?

Well …

An uber-creative advertising team devised a commercial video that appeared as if it were destined for a home on a Broadway stage.

An extraordinary ensemble of operatic Vikings proclaims, “I have a structured settlement and I need cash now! Call J.G. Wentworth - 877-CASH-NOW!”

Heck, it should have earned a nomination for a Tony Award, an honor usually reserved for excellence in the realm of Theatre.

You know, “South Pacific,” “Hair,” “Rent” and … “J.G. Wentworth.”

What do Vikings know about the fundamentals of the financial world? Probably on par with my knowledge of those emotive Tony Awards.

Speaking of emotive entertainment, have you viewed T-Mobile’s poorly performed remake of “What A Feeling” from the 1983 popular flick “Flashdance?”

Only Chris Farley crooning “Maniac” would elevate its level of weirdness. I know the field of telecommunications is experiencing turbulence these days, but this is as nerdy as it gets.

Jason Mamoa and his crooning cohorts look like prissy sissies prancing in unison as they shout, “What a feeling! I have wifi now!”

It’s the most blatant case of lip-syncing since Milli Vanilli’s Grammy was revoked.

Clearly, this is a farce. But does it position T-Mobile in a positive, professional light?

I think not, but I can’t find a hint of humor in many of the contemporary SNL skits. Perhaps I truly am culturally out of touch.

The promotion I’m most likely to mute? It’s “Oh, oh, oh Ozempic!”

Nothing quite like a fun-loving pharmaceutical company. Remember, don’t use Ozempic if you get a lump in your neck or severe stomach pain.

The most common side effects of Ozempic are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation.

Oh, oh, oh Ozempic!

I liked it better in the 60s when they were peddling the Veg-O-Matic and Slinky. I was so impressed I bought one of each. Talk about a manufacturer projecting a positive manifestation of his product!

Simplify. Simplify.

I don’t enjoy a meaningful relationship with an operatic Viking and I can’t imagine one of my pals prancing while confessing his feelings.

I probably do need a new alarm clock. Or, maybe a long nap.

Call Bob Bridge at bbbbbridge@gmail.com or 812-276-9646.